It’s sad…
It’s sad how it takes knowing that you’re about to lose someone forever, in order for you to truly realize how much they mean to you…
My grandpa lives 6 houses up the hill. Not until this year have I visited him THIS frequently and spent time with him THIS much, when he’s already in his final stage of Parkinson’s disease. It happened so quickly, much faster than I even remember. He was still able to walk just a few months ago and now he’s reduced to the immobility of an infant. He’s had strokes and have been hospitalized countless times over the past few years, and how was that not a good enough reality check for me? How have I never even googled “Parkinson’s” until last week?!!? I asked my mom today. He’s been diagnosed for over ten years and I was not even aware until the recent years! What the fuck have I been doing???
My mom is the oldest child out of 7 children and I was Gramps and Gramma’s very first grandchild. I was spoiled to death. Gramps and Gramma used to watch over me at their old house when my parents were at work everyday. I would either be watching The Price is Right with Gramma or re-watching the prerecorded cartoons (on VHS) that Gramps made for me! I specifically remember the Tom & Jerry episodes. I have a habit of “playing with hair” and I would usually touch Gramps’ hair in order to fall asleep at nap time. I was also extremely scared of Gramps’ huge dinosaur figurines (life-size in proportion to me back then) that he would leave at the kitchen entrance while Gramma was cooking, in order to keep me out.
Gramps was always a strong, powerful man. His presence has “authority” written all over it and, from what my mom tells me, not a single person dared to disrespect him. He was a part of the Vietnam government and a mayor for the district/city they lived in. Although he could be strict and frightening, he had the biggest heart and always helped everyone around him. My mom was on the verge of being detained from immigrating to the US back then, but Gramps refused to get on the plane if he could not bring my mom with him. Without him, I wouldn’t be here.
Tonight my mom told me that Gramps was crying all day. When my aunt asked him if he’s in any pain, he replied that he’s only “hurting inside.” He said he’s sad and scared. He knows it’s almost time. He has been bombarded with an abundance of love and family unity lately. Too bad the family couldn’t do this earlier. It breaks my heart that there’s nothing any of us can do while we watch him struggle. He is the strongest person I know. I’ve never experienced a death of a close family member before, not even a death of a close friend. Although we’re having some time to prepare for it, I still don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle it. It was adorable when he was able to get out the words “Grandpa loves you” from his weak and fragile body as I was crying hysterically beside him the other day. I love him sooooooo sooooooo much and I don’t want THAT day to come.
